


Lace Panties and Garter Belts

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [14]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman the dark prince charming, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: the dark prince charming, Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Crossdressing, F/M, Flirting, No abuse, Sex, influenced by The Dark Prince Charming comic, jewel thief, psychotic clowns in a happy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 11:08:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Selina needs Harley's help and Joker wants to tag along.





	Lace Panties and Garter Belts

The entire clown gang surrounded the ping pong table, bets going back and forth almost as quickly as the ball bounced from one side of the table to the other. The sound of Die Antwoord’s “Baby’s On Fire” was playing loudly over the room’s stereo speakers, but not so loudly that the satisfying “thunk” of a ping pong ball being hit by paddles--followed by the “clink” as the ball hit the table--couldn’t be heard. 

Frost was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed, watching the game with a grin, while Bob, dressed in a black t-shirt with “Rock On” across the front and a very bright neon, rainbow colored, multi layered tutu around his waist cheered silently. 

On one end of the ping pong table, Harley, her hair in pigtails and dressed in a pair of half red, half black athletic shorts that were extremely short, with a matching sports bra, hopped back and forth on her bare feet in time to the music, her ping pong paddle at the ready. A wink and a smile on her lips and a mischievous grin on her face were visible as she bounced from the ball of one foot to the other. She giggled and bounced to the song in a way that made her breasts move, almost seemingly of their own accord. (Joker narrowed his eyes and watched her breasts bounce seductively. He could even see that her nipples were hard in that tight fitting bra. He frowned at her and thought to himself...the wicked cheat...using her body against him. He smirked, but oh her breasts were jiggling enticingly, then she would twist her hips to the music giving him that wicked little look in her eyes that made him want to take her right here on the ping pong table...) 

Across from her, Joker was also barefoot, wearing his own pair of rather short athletic shorts, half green, half purple, paired with a black mesh tank top (that was making Harley all hot and bothered she thought with narrowed eyes, his pale chest and flat stomach clearly visible through the mesh), smacked the ball back at Harley. She lunged to the right, smacking the ball back hard enough that when it bounced, the ball went high into the air forcing Joker to jump up in order to smack it back. 

Harley squeaked, lunging again just barely smacking the ball. 

Joker chuckled, easily hitting the ball back again. “You should give up pumpkin...you know I’m gonna win.” 

Harley stuck her tongue out. “Never puddin!” 

Joker hit the ball hard, smacking it in such a way that Harley had to scramble, returned the volley, but with little power since she almost missed it. 

Joker cooed. “Oh come on Harley...just give up.” 

Harley snarled then grinned as she suddenly realized exactly what she needed to do to win. She jumped up on the balls of her feet, pressing her arms to her sides in such a way that her breasts were shoved up before she released her hold and let her breasts bounce, adding a little more deliberate jiggle as she shook her shoulders back and forth just before she hit the ball back at Joker. 

Joker had just moved into position to hit the ball in return when Harley performed her maneuver, his eyes immediately drawn to the way Harley squeezed her breasts up, followed by the release and the shoulder shimmy which had her breasts jiggling back and forth. Joker, as well as all the men (and one or two women) all stared at Harley’s breasts and their dramatic jiggle just before she hit the ball which flew across the table, bounced and hit Joker in the face. 

Harley squealed. “HA!! Gotcha!” 

That was the moment when a smooth, creamy female voice spoke out. “Congrats Harley.” Frost jumped a foot, neither having seen nor heard the woman enter. He turned to see the woman, tall, slender, with short black hair styled to frame her face, standing beside him. 

Bob clapped his hands in delight. 

Harley squealed loudly. “SELINA!!” 

The ping pong winner dashed across the room, vaulted the couch, and threw herself at Selina Kyle. 

Selina laughed just barely catching Harley in time before the blonde crashed into her, wrapping both arms and legs around Selina. 

Joker blinked, then grinned. “SELINA!!” 

He ran over and threw himself at two women. Selina laughed wrapped an arm around Joker’s waist as the two clowns wrapped her up in a hug when the three of them were hit from behind by a weight that nearly sent all of them tumbling to the floor as Bob slammed into the three of them, wrapping his arms around them and nearly lifting them all off the floor. 

Selina laughed. “Hey Bob.” 

* 

Later the three of them were all upstairs in Joker and Harley’s private rooms. Frost was standing by the door with the look of a slightly annoyed babysitter whle Bob simply stood behind the couch holding a pinwheel which he blew on slowly, causing it to spin lazily around, a gentle smile on his lips. 

Selina smiled and sipped her tea watching Joker and Harley sit on the couch across from her. Harley was sitting on Joker’s lap and facing her friend while Joker had his arms wrapped around Harley from behind. His chin rested on her shoulder while he had a big, goofy grin on his red lips. Selina hated to admit that she was a little jealous of the two of them. They were crazy, murderous and chaotic, but at least they had each other. Her romance was a constant struggle, a back and forth never knowing if she could commit herself to Batman or if he could commit himself to her, and then sometimes she wasn’t sure who she was in love with--Batman or Bruce Wayne. But she had to admit, it had its moments, some really fun moments. 

For a brief second the thought occurred to her: how would Joker feel if he knew Batman was the playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne? Would it change anything or only give the clown two targets instead of one? She frowned slightly and quelled the thought; that was not something she wanted to find out. 

Selina set her tea cup down on the table between them. “So...I’m here because I was hoping I could get you to help me with something Harley.” 

Harley giggled as Joker began to lick her neck, alternating his licks with kisses that had her squirming, especially when he stuck his tongue in her ear. Harley squealed and shoved against him though she didn’t actually try to get away. Selina shook her head slightly. They were such an odd couple. 

“Me? Whatcha need me for kitty-cat?” Harley asked as she giggled and squirmed. “Puddin! Stop!” 

Joker chuckled and nibbled Harley’s ear. “Nope,” he said and continued to be distracting, his hands slid up to her breasts which he grabbed and squeezed. 

Selina did her best to ignore him and smiled. “There is this bachelorette party that is going to be held at the Royal Hotel in downtown Gotham. Megan Luthor, niece of Lex Luthor--anyway she is having a bachelorette party before her marriage to Alan Kord. It’s almost like a royal wedding between two wealthy families. What I’m interested in is the necklace that Megan Luthor got as a gift from her fiance, a necklace that is worth $200 million dollars. It contains a continuous burst of diamond clusters with 11,551 stones in all, including 24 colorless and internally flawless diamonds along with clusters of jade mixed among the diamonds, and the two diamond-encrusted bats.” Selina grinned. “I figured the party is going to be huge, so you and I could easily meld with the rest of the party guests. You could be my distraction while I get into the safe. Then you slip out, we meet and split the stones. So, are you interested in helping me Harley? We could split it, maybe 70/30?” 

Harley frowned in thought. “How about 40/60? My favor.” 

Joker stopped nibbling Harley’s ear. “I wanna go.” 

Selina frowned. “It's a bachelorette party.” 

Joker frowned adjusting Harley on his lap. “So.” 

Selina sighed. “It means that the party will consist of all women...well except for the male strippers that will be there, but I don’t think you could pass as a male stripper.” 

Harley giggled and turned to look at Joker behind her. “Yeah he could.” 

Joker grinned. “See?” he said to Selina. “Harley agrees I could be a stripper.” 

Harley giggled. “Oh...I would pay to see that!” 

Joker chuckled and nuzzled her neck. “Yeah you would.” 

Selina sighed patiently. “No, you couldn’t. You’re too skinny and the green hair would give you away...that and the skin. The ladies like to touch and any makeup would come right off. So no.” 

Joker pouted for a moment then perked up, a bright grin on his face. “I could go as a woman.” 

Harley, who had turned back around ready to fight Selina on the fact that she was positive her puddin could be a male stripper stopped, her mouth open, ready to speak when she turned to face him again. 

“You could?” 

Joker grinned and kissed her shoulder. “Sure, why not? I make a damn pretty girl. Ask Bats.” 

Selina narrowed her eyes at him choosing not to address the obvious, which was when had Batman seen Joker in drag and why, but Harley turned to look at Selina, her eyes large with excitement. “PLEASE Selina!! Let puddin come!! PLEASE!!” 

Joker grinned at Selina. She could see a devilish look in his eyes when he knew he had won...just by getting Harley excited. He batted his eyes at Selena and stuck out his bottom lip. “Please Selina...pretty please!!” 

Selina groaned inwardly. She had almost not come by to ask Harley for her help, but she had talked herself into it because having Harley act as a distraction--which she was fantastic at--would make the heist just a little easier. But now... 

Harley wiggled and hopped on Joker’s lap. “Pretty please with sugar on top?” 

Joker giggled. “Ooh Harley, you better stop wiggling like that!!” He tickled her sides, made Harley squeal and turn around to face him. The two of them started to kiss before they tumbled sideways on the couch. 

Selina chewed her lip ignoring them. She figured if she said no, then Joker would just show up anyway and possibly ruin her plans. On the other hand, who knew? Maybe he could be helpful. 

She glanced back over at Joker and Harley who were now wrestling on the couch with Harley on top of Joker, holding his arms over his head as he tried to buck her off. Selina sighed and thought to herself, this was going to be like working with a couple of very deadly preschoolers! How on earth did they pull off any jobs? 

Joker had just broken loose and had tossed Harley onto the couch to sit on her, but Harley had wrapped her legs around his waist when Selina cleared her throat. 

“Fine, I’ll only agree if: one, I see you in costume first; and two, we split the take 80/20. So yes, if you pass then fine, you can go with us.” Selina sighed and crossed her legs wishing she had something stronger than tea at the moment. 

Joker jumped up. At the same time Harley came up with him (her legs still around his waist) and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. 

Harley laughed. “You won’t be sorry Selina!” 

“Hehehe!! You are going to love this Selina!” Joker laughed and carried Harley from the room. The two of them quickly disappeared into their bedroom. Bob who hadn’t moved from his spot behind the couch smiled at her. Selina glanced over at Frost. 

“You ever see him in drag?” 

Frost frowned and nodded. “Once, yeah. He did look good.” 

“Hmpf.” Selina put her chin in her hand as she leaned on the arm of the chair. 

* 

Harley was on her knees in the bottom of the closet she shared with Joker. The closet--which had a pair of sliding doors that no longer closed because of how stuffed the small closet was with their clothing--also held several plastic buckets, filled to the brim with more clothing while the rod inside the tiny closet bowed under the weight of Joker’s and Harley’s numerous outfits. 

Harley mumbled as she searched through the bucket. “I know I have something in here that would look fabulous on you…” Joker sat on the edge of the bed trying on a few pairs of Harley’s heels. He had on a pair of red sparkling stilettos. He moved his foot back and forth to admire his legs. “These really make my legs look good Harls. Maybe I should wear heels more often?” 

Harley snorted. “You say that now, but wait until you’ve been in them on all day OR try running from Bats in them. That’s why I wear flats or boots--heels are only for special occasions. AH!! Found it!” 

Harley stood up. In her hand she held a little black piece of cloth. Joker looked up from admiring his legs. “Black? Really? Don’t you have anything purple...or green?” 

Harley put her hands on her hips. “Have you ever seen me wear anything purple or green?” 

Joker made a face. “I suppose not.” 

Harley smiled. “Besides, a little black dress is perfect! You'll look stunning! Come on, put it on so I can do your makeup.” 

Joker took the dress with a frown then shrugged before yanking up his shirt and sliding it over his head. 

* 

Selina leaned forward, Bob sat on the couch opposite her while the two of them played cat’s cradle with some string that Bob had while Frost watched them when Harley threw open their door. 

“I present to you: Miss J!” 

Harley bowed toward the entrance of their room, her arms thrust toward the door and behind her. Selina blinked as she saw Joker emerge, wearing a figure hugging, sleeveless black mini dress with a pair of thigh high black stiletto boots. 

Joker posed in the doorway, his hand on his hip as he tossed imaginary hair off his shoulder and smiled. 

Selina’s eyebrows crawled up her forehead in astonishment. 

Harley hadn’t bothered with makeup for his arms and his legs were covered in some fishnets but Selina was flabbergasted. Joker looked pretty damn good. His makeup was gorgeous bringing out the color of his eyes. Harley had traced his lips and painted them in such a way that they looked fuller, plumper, she had even contoured his nose, jaw and chin to soften his harsh edges. 

Harley hurried over to stand behind Selina and to survey her work. “I’ll have to borrow one of your wigs Bob to cover his hair, but other than that and some makeup on his arms, what do you guys think?” She glanced at Selina. 

Frost nodded. “Looking good Boss.” 

Bob clapped his hands. 

Selina shook her head in amazement. “Wow, you look...pretty Joker. Harley did a great job.” 

Joker laughed. “What can I say? I break hearts wherever I go.” 

Harley giggled. “That you do puddin, that you do...which is why I have to kill a lot of people. Puddin belongs to me and only me.” Harley frowned and wrinkled her nose, her fists on her hips. 

Joker purred. “I’m a one woman, ah, woman...all I can say is I like blonde clowns.” 

Harley squealed and hurried over to him. Joker opened his arms to catch Harley as she jumped and wrapped herself around him. Immediately the two of them began kissing which smeared Joker’s makeup. He hobbled on his heels for a moment twisting and turning until he found a wall to press Harley up against. Harley growled playfully and squeezed his ass. 

Selina shook her head. “All right, but you two really are going to have to tone it down at the party.” 

They kept making out against the wall. 

Selina cleared her throat, but it was Bob smacking his hands together in one quick, very loud slap that got their attention. 

Selina motioned them both over. 

Joker, carrying Harley who was wrapped around him like a spider monkey, walked over to the couch where Joker sat down on Bob’s lap. Bob happily put his arms around them both. 

“All right, I’m going to go after the necklace in the safe and whatever else is in there. I just need you two to be enough of a distraction--say fifteen minutes--that you draw the attention of the guards away from the monitors. I will give you the signals when I’m in place.” Selina smiled. “It will be simple.” 

Harley giggled while she nuzzled Joker. “So when do we do this?” 

Selina grinned. “In two weeks.” 

* 

After Selina left, Bob brought up a box filled with wigs. Bob never wore wigs, and no one had ever seen him do anything with the wigs, but everyone in the gang knew that the big man collected wigs. 

Harley squealed when she saw the box. “Wow Bob!! I mean, I knew you had a lot--but WOW!” 

She quickly stepped over and started to sort through the wigs while Joker moved to the kitchen table, crossing his long legs. Sitting on the table was a package of cigarettes, an ashtray, and Joker’s lighter. He picked up his lighter and pulled a cigarette out from the pack to hold between his lips and light while he watched Harley and Bob sort through the wigs. 

Joker took a hard drag on the cigarette, then blew out a slow stream of smoke when Harley came up with a long black wig. “Oh, try this one puddin!” 

Joker smiled at her as he stood up, flicking ashes into the ashtray before he walked over. “Give it here sweets.” 

Harley handed him the wig while he quickly and expertly pulled on. Harley frowned once the wig was in place. Joker walked past them and into their bedroom use their large standing mirror. He frowned as he studied himself in the mirror, one hand holding the elbow of his other arm as he took a drag on the cigarette. Harley popped her head in, holding another wig at the ready. 

“Whatcha think puddin?” she asked studying Joker with a slight frown upon her features. 

“Too Goth.” Joker muttered. “Goths don't know how to have fun.” 

Harley held up the wig in her hand and shook it. “Blondes have more fun puddin.” 

Joker giggled. “Oh they do, do they?” 

* 

The plan was for the three of them to simply slip in with the rest of the guests. Though Megan Luthor had over 200 young women coming to her party Selina was sure that the young woman didn’t know them all personally, so finding, removing and replacing three young women had been relatively simple. Selina hadn’t gone for something as crass as murder--just some simple misdirection was required for the invitations to appear in Selina’s hands. 

Harley and Joker would be arriving together any minute now. Selina had shown up earlier just so she could inspect the ballroom. She had staked out the hotel before, even performed a few robberies over the years, so she was very familiar with the setup of the hotel and its safety deposit box, but in recent months the hotel had replaced their safety deposit box (probably partly due to her) with, thankfully, another dial combination instead of a high tech electronic lock, but still, a new lock was always tricky to break into… 

But as she walked past the ballroom entryway, she could see the doors that led to the safety deposit room across the hallway, with guards on both sides of the door where that very expensive necklace was now resting, just waiting for her to pluck it free from captivity and into her very appreciative hands. Selina sighed with longing and began to walk around the ballroom once more. 

The hotel’s entire ballroom had been reserved for the bachelorette party. Selina wore a pair of fashionable black, bell bottom slacks and a sleeveless black crop top with a pair of high heeled black sandals; she moved through the crowd of young women comfortably and without looking the least bit out of place. As she moved along the edges of the party, Selina noted the decorations. There were twinkle lights everywhere. Someone had to have gotten up on a ladder to string the darn things over the entire ceiling like that. Selina rolled her eyes, she would have thought the trend of twinkle lights would have worn out its welcome by now. As she continued her walk to the slightly annoying sounds of “Candy Shop” by 50 cent, she noticed a photo booth in a corner, a champagne tower that was situated in the center of a large dessert table which had, of all things, Chippendale cookies--confections that were shaped like the naked chests of men. The rest of the treats on the table reflected the bride’s color scheme for her wedding. Selina decided that was the worst part of this terribly expensive, gaudy, trashy party. The whole color scheme reflected the bride’s color palette for her wedding, a flat, pastel pink and a bright canary yellow. Selina wrinkled her nose. It was as if an easter egg had exploded in the ballroom coating everything in nausaing versions of bright pastel pink and yellow. 

As Selina moved between the giggling and gabbing young women, she noted there was a table filled with things that she could only guess were for bacholarette party games, a bright purple rubber penie with a grinning face, a thing that had “Dong Bong” written across it with a large bowl and a tube that ended with a long rubber penis (Selina didn’t even want to imagine what that was for), several blow-up male dolls, and last, but not least, a penis shaped pinata. Selina shook her head, Clearly money did not buy taste. 

The bride was easy to pick out from all the young women in attendance as she was wearing a large over the top tiara in her thick black hair, and a t-shirt over her fancy party dress that read. “I’m the Boss, I’m the Bride” written across it in glitter. The bride’s bridesmaids wore t-shirts over their party dresses that read “Bridesquad” across the breast. Selina rolled her eyes as she looked around to see if Joker and Harley had arrived. Several waiters were working the party, (she noted that the wait staff for the party were all men dressed in black t-shirts and speedos, no women. Equal opportunity objectification she guessed.) The servers carried trays of bite size foods or glasses filled with colorful alcoholic drinks. A stage at the other end of the room held a “throne” had been set up in front of it with the word “Bride” in rhinestones on its back along with several other “special” chairs for the bridesmaids, followed by the rest of the seating for the other guests. Selina assumed that the stage was for the strippers she had heard were hired for this party. Word of mouth had said that the dancers had come from all over the country; only the best strippers for Megan Luthor apparently. 

Selina also noted that there were a few male guards in here, one checking the invites and a couple more at the doors. As she looked around ,she could see a few others on the edges of the room, silent guardians watching over a room of twenty-something young women from too much money, getting drunk and ready for a strip show. Selina moved closer to the entrance wondering where the hell Harley and Joker were when she spotted them over by the dessert table. 

Harley had her blond hair down, her makeup done in such a way that she looked younger and sported a pair of dark framed glasses that were perched on her nose. She reminded Selina of a sorority girl with her hair done in soft curls, bouncy with a sort of “cheerleader” look about her. She had chosen to wear a light blue crop top, the back of which simply consisted in bands crossing themselves while the top was just short of covering her flat stomach and was paired with a cute pleated skirt. Lastly she wore a pair of of barely there lace-up white heels. Joker was beside her in the black dress and boots from earlier, but now sporting a long blonde wig. 

Joker turned, a cookie in hand and smiled when he saw Selina. He waved at her with his fingers. Harley had done an excellent job on Joker’s make up, Selina had to admit (though she would never tell Joker.) The man looked downright gorgeous. His girlfriend had added to Joker’s look with fake eyelashes, redder lipstick that made his lips seem fuller, some fake breasts, and dangle earrings in addition to the long blonde wig. Selina hurried over to them and grabbed Harley by her upper arm and pulled the two of them away from the guards and the main concentration of young women. 

“All right, the show is going to be starting soon,” Selina quietly explained “What I need you two to do is get the attention of the guards right there.” Selina pointed out of the ballroom...but just as she glanced in the direction of the safe, Selina’s eyes widened in horror. There, being escorted out of the safety deposit room by one of the guards was Megan Luthor and around her neck was the necklace. 

“Oh no…” Selina hissed. 

Harley and Joker who had each nabbed a bright pink cocktail from a passing waiter, turned just in time to see Megan Luthor reenter the party with the necklace on. The young woman was immediately swallowed by her friends as the young women surrounded her to exclaim over the necklace. 

Selina hissed. “This isn’t good.” 

Joker, who pitched his voice higher in an attempt to sound more feminine even though no one could hear them or was paying attention to them, mumbled. “You want Harley and me to shoot everyone?” He had a Chippendale cookie in one hand that he took a bite of before sipping his pink drink. “I have a gun on my thigh and so does Harley.” 

“No!” Selina hissed. 

Joker grinned holding his drink with his pinky out. “Gas? I have a gas pen in my bra.” 

“No! Now shush while I think!” Selina hissed again. 

Joker frowned and pulled out the front of his dress and leaned forward. “See, right there.” 

(One of the guards was sort of watching the three women, but his eyes were on the blonde in the black dress who had pulled her top out for the other woman to look down. Now that was a gorgeous woman he thought wishing he was close enough to look down her dress himself.) 

Selina batted him again. “Will you stop I need to think!” 

Selina chewed her bottom lip trying to formulate another plan when thee a squeal that seemed to start small then rippled out like the rings on the surface of water as the lights suddenly were clinked off. The young women in the room murmured with excitement just before the lights snapped out. This was followed by the beginnings of “UpTown Funk.” and an announcer's voice which was followed by several lights roaming the room. 

“And now, for your enjoyment ladies and especially for the bride, Megan Luthor...let’s start the show with CLAUDIO!!!” 

The spotlights snapped on, illuminating the stage where a large muscled man was dancing to the music. The women yelled and hurried over to the stage as Selina cursed silently to herself. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“Okay, you know...this is fine, we can do this...same thing, I need you two to distract the guards...but those guards instead. 

Joker and Harley turned to look at the two guards by the door whom Selina had continued. “Those two are Luthor’s personal guards. You two get them out of the way I’ll get the necklace, slip out and we can meet at Robinson’s Park like we agreed on; then everyone’s happy.” 

Harley bit into her cookie. “So, ah, how are you going to get the necklace off of her?” 

Selina frown and shrugged. “I’ll think of something.” 

She motioned at them. “Go on.” 

Selina turned and wove her way into the crowd to get close to the bride. 

Joker and Harley shared a look, then turned to look at the two men. They were both fairly tall, though Joker was just a little taller than either man. 

Joker frowned. “So, ah...how should we do this Harls?” 

Harley downed the rest of her drink, narrowing her eyes with determination. “Well first let's do a walk by--see who is interested in who. I’ll go first, just watch me okay?” 

Joker nodded then smacked Harley on the ass as she walked past him. Harley yelped, though it was drowned out by the music, and turned to glare at him. Joker grinned brightly and walked back over to the dessert table where he grabbed a handful of yellow and pink M&M’s and tossed them into his mouth while at the same time motioning her to go on. 

Harley stuck her tongue out at him before she straightened out her skirt and began to walk over near the security men, swinging her hips as she did. She walked past the guards, pretending her eyes were on the stage where a new man was currently stripping down to his g-string. Both guards gave Harley a once over, looking at her legs and her rear. 

Joker narrowed his eyes grabbing another handful of candy, now eating it with an aggrieved expression. Harley walked into the crowd, weaving her way back to Joker. 

“Okay who seemed most interested?” she asked as she glanced back at the guards after having found herself another cocktail, this one yellow. 

“They were both looking at your ass and legs.” Joker growled. 

Harley giggled then shoved Joker forward. “Okay your turn, take a stroll honey buns.” 

Joker snarled tossing the rest of the candy in his hand into his mouth and walked by the guards. Unlike Harley, Joker didn't simply walk by, he stopped and smiled. “Well look at the two of you! Such sexy hunks of men.” He shivered making the water balloons currently in his bra wiggle and slosh (the sound of which was drowned by the music). 

“Either of you fellas ever think about getting on that stage?” 

One of the men, a blonde with green eyes blushed. “We’re just bodyguards ma’am.” 

The other guard, darker skinned with brown eyes, said to the blonde in front of him, “You look like you could be a dancer.” 

Joker giggled. “Oh you flirt. So, either one of you boys single or are you both taken?” 

Joker stuck his bottom lip out and batted his eyelashes. The blonde blushed. “We’re both single ma’am.” 

“Oh now don’t call me ma’am boys. You can call me Jay.” Joker leaned in close to the blonde. “What’s your name handsome?” Joker slowly ran his fingers down the man’s chest. 

The guard swallowed. “Ah...name’s Cole...this here is my friend Josh.” 

Joker leaned in close to Cole. “So Josh, you wanna meet a friend of mine?” 

Josh grinned. “She as pretty as you Jay, sure?” 

Joker turned and motioned at Harley. Harley frowned she had been watching Joker flirt with narrowed eyes, jealousy burning hot as she walked closer. 

Joker giggled softly. “This is my girlfriend Harley. Harley, this is Cole and Josh. Aren’t they just dreamy?” 

Harley pressed her lips together and tried not to laugh as she put her hand out to Josh. “Hi.” 

Josh took her hand. “Hey Harley. Like the motorcycle. I like Harleys.” 

Harley smiled. “Me too.” 

Joker leaned on Cole. “So, big boy, what else do you do beside guard girls like us?” 

* 

Selina had maneuvered herself close to Megan. The young woman was screaming at the top of her lungs, a wad of 10 dollar bills in her hand as the stripper wiggled his hips while dropping down to his knees. 

This was going to be her best chance. 

She leaned closer, her left hand reaching out to clasp, she could just make it out from beneath Megan’s hair. It was a simple clasp, easy to undo. She took a deep breath, leaned toward the stage, one hand out over Megan’s neck, her other hand positioned to shot under Megan’s outstretched arms and grab the dropping bracelet. 

The music changed to Pitbull’s “Hotel Room Service” as four men came rushing out on stage ripping off their shirts at the same time. The girls started to scream. Megan jumped up as one of the strippers yelled. “And who is the BRIDE?” 

“ME!!” Megan screamed. 

Selina cursed as the girl jumped up and down. Megan sat down as the four men began to come down the stage to grab her and her “throne.” It was now or never. Selina’s hand snapped out and instead of simply unhooking the clasp, Selina had moved too swiftly and broke it...the necklace fell, catching the dizzying lights of the show. 

Megan felt the necklace break and glanced down just as Selina caught the diamond and jade necklace, just before it hit the floor. 

Her hand snatched the necklace out of the air. Megan turned to look Selina right in the eye. 

The two women stared at each other and then Megan screamed. 

* 

Harley sighed with annoyance. She wasn’t being as successful at keeping Josh the guard’s attention on her as Joker was with keeping Cole’s AND Josh’s attention on him. It was clear Josh thought she was pretty, and he was interested, but his attention kept being drawn to her puddin who was flirting like an expert! He giggled and smiled, batted eyes, licked his lips, used his hips; hell she thought, he was even using his fake breasts, making the damn water balloons jiggle!!! Harley wrinkled her nose in disgust. He was completely fake and these two dolts were eating him up! 

Harley folded her arms over her chest looking rather disgruntled as Joker laid one hand on Cole’s shoulder. Joker leaned in close with a seductive smile. 

“Oh, you do smell nice Cole dear. Is that cologne or just your manly scent?” Joker licked the corner of his lipsticked mouth. 

Harley snarled. 

Cole was like a kitten, lapping it up. He blushed and giggled. “Ah no Miss Jay, just me.” 

Joker purred and fluttered his eyelashes. “Really? Do you smell that delicious Josh?” 

Josh blushed and shrugged. Joker took a couple of steps toward Josh and leaned in. He bit his bottom lip and smiled seductively before rolling his eyes close and taking a sniff. 

Harley wanted to gag and slug Joker in the face at the same time. 

Joker cooed. “Oh you do! Two big, strong, delicious smelling men…” Joker fanned himself with his hand. “It’s almost too much for little old me to stand!” 

Harley rolled her eyes. 

Harley was torn between being jealous that her puddin was getting both the guys’ attention and being jealous because they were both into her man!! She was gonna punch their lights out and dig out their eyeballs in a minute AND punch her puddin in the nose to boot! 

Cole grinned and reached out to run a finger along Joker’s bottom lip. “So ah, Jay...whatcha up to after the party? Would you be interested in grabbing a coffee maybe?” 

Joker smiled and licked his lips. “Well, I might be Cole. What about you Josh, you wanna come too?” Joker giggled and pursed his lips. “Me between two big strong men like you...it's enough to make me all sweaty.” 

Harley’s lips became a thin line, her face turned red with her anger just as there was a scream from the women crowding around the strippers. 

Harley, Joker and the guards all turned toward the crowd just as Selina zipped out from among the women, necklace in hand. Harley snorted in laughter (seeing Selina screw up a heist was something Harley thought she would never see!). 

Cole frown. “Hey now hold on,” he said, at least quick enough to pick up on something wrong there. “Where to you think…” 

He didn’t get to finish his sentence before Joker grabbed Cole around the neck with both arms and kissed him. 

Josh stopped in mid stride. 

Harley screamed. 

In the next second Harley had launched herself at Cole. 

Cole screamed in surprise and confusion. 

Joker started to laugh while Harley was trying to tear Cole’s eyes out. Cole turned and spun trying to get the crazy woman off of him who hand jumped on him and crawled up to his shoulders where she was leaving red, bloody scratches over his head and face. 

“AAAH!! GET HER OFF!!” 

Josh grabbed Harley around the waist doing his best to pull her, off but Harley was too angry to be stopped. 

Joker laughed so hard that he buckled over and grabbed his knees. “Harley stop it!” 

Harley’s head snapped up and she glared at Joker. “YOU!!” 

She jumped down and Joker faked screamed. “Cole stop her!! She’s gonna hurt me!” 

Cole, his face scratched up reached for Harley. “Now stop that!” 

Megan was screaming around her necklace. Selina cursed, but when Harley jumped on the guard, all attention was on them which allowed Selina to slip out of the ballroom as the fight between Harley and the guards accelerated. 

Cole lifted Harley off her feet. Harley snarled and spit, kicking her legs (one foot connected hard with Josh’s stomach) when Joker pulled his dress up showing that he was wearing a garter belt to hold up his fishnets and yanked out his gun. In the next moment he snatched off his wig, wiped his arms across his face which smeared his make-up exposing the milk white skin underneath, and waved his gun around. 

“Okay boys, this was fun and all, but time to let my girl go.” 

Cole and Josh stared dumbfounded when Miss Jay suddenly turned into the Joker, green hair and all. 

Cole didn’t drop Harley at first. Joker narrowed his eyes and motioned at him with the gun. “Look, we shared something special Cole, but don’t think that will stop me from shooting you if you don’t put my girl down.” 

Cole, his entire body numb, dropped Harley. Harley spun around and slapped him. 

“That’s for kissing my puddin!” 

She stomped over to Joker who was beginning to move toward one of the windows. She snarled and pointed at him. “You are going to get it later.” 

Joker chuckled. “I hope so.” 

Harley grabbed the wig out of his hand and marched over to the window. 

Joker grinned at everyone in the room, all of them having gone perfectly still. “Well this bachelorette party has been fun. Loved the candy! Too bad we didn’t get the play any penis games. You guys have fun. Bye Cole, I’ll miss you.” Joker blew Cole a kiss just as Harley shot the window out having pulled her own gun from under her dress. 

“Stop flirting and let’s go.” Harley growled jumping through the window. 

Joker giggled. “Tata!!” 

* 

The two of them jumped out the window and dashed down the street, just as the sounds of sirens echoed in the distance. They found Frost where they had left him, parked around the corner. 

* 

Frost drove quietly to Robinson Park. Harley and the Boss were being awfully quiet in the back. Frost frowned, curious, but focused on driving. 

Harley sat with her arms folded across her chest. 

Joker pouted on the other end of the backseat, his wig back on, albeit a little crooked. “Oh come on Harls. I just did it to stop them from going after Selina.” 

Harley refused to look at him. 

Joker reached out and stroked her knee. The fact that she didn’t yank away from him was a good sign. He grinned. “You know you’re the only one for me sweets.” 

Harley looked sideways at him. “You mean it?” 

Joker smiled. “You know I do Harls. That was just funny pretend--you know I only want you.” 

Harley dropped her arms. “I suppose, but...you seemed to be having a good time flirting...and they really liked you. You make a good girl.” 

Joker frowned. “Yes, but am I pretty girl?” 

Harley chuckled slightly. “Yeah, you’re a pretty girl.” 

Joker smiled then asked softly. “You don’t want me to be a girl do you?” 

Harley made a face. “I want my puddin to be my puddin.” 

Joker chuckled and put his arms out to her. “Forgive me?” 

Harley scooted over to him. “Yes.” 

Joker purred. “Good, because the way you attacked that guard got me all hot Harley. I like it when you’re jealous.” 

Harley giggled. “Oh?” 

Joker nodded. “I do.” 

Harley whispered to him, “Come here puddin.” 

She climbed onto his lap and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. 

Joker grinned as his hands came around to grip her ass under the dress, feeling the place where her garter belt pressed against her skin, the lace of her panties curved with her ass cheek in such a delightful way he thought as he slid his tongue into her mouth. 

Harley groaned as she pressed down on him. 

* 

Frost reached up and adjusted the rearview mirror away from the backseat. 

* 

Joker reached behind Harley and began to tug at the straps of her top, pulled the ties loose until the top sagged. He began to tug the straps down her shoulders. 

Harley stopped to pull the top over her head while the streetlights flashed across the smooth pale skin of her breasts. 

Joker purred in delight. “Mm…” 

He started to lean in with a pucker on his red lips, but Harley stopped him. “Just a minute puddin.” 

Joker frowned, a slight furrow of annoyance between his brows, but Harley pressed against his fake breasts until the balloons popped. 

Joker yelped as he was soaked with cold water down his front. 

Harley started to laugh. “Now we’re even.” 

Joker giggled. “Oh we are, are we!” He tossed her off his lap and onto the seat tickling her while he leaned down to run his tongue over her breasts which sent Harley into squeals of pleasure. 

* 

Frost parked the car. 

“Ah Boss, we’re here.” 

Joker’s head popped up from the backseat, makeup smeared across his face, the wig sitting lopsided on his head, green hair stuck out from under the blonde. “Ah...why don’t you go talk to Selina for us. Okay?” 

Joker giggled, his head disappeared followed by Harley’s squeals. “You’re all wet!!” 

Frost sighed and got out of the car. He saw Selina resting against the side of her motorcycle. She frowned when Joker and Harley didn’t get out of the car. 

“So, ah..?” She asked motioning at the car, then blinked startled when Harley’s heeled foot appeared in the back window. 

Frost sighed. “They’re a little busy. Fancy a walk?” 

Selina glanced at the car then nodded. “Sure, we can talk business.” 

Frost nodded. “Sounds good.” 

* 

Joker sucked on one of Harley’s breasts; his tongue flicked against the nipple, back and forth creating a deep tickle that raced through her body and settled in her groin, made her wiggle. She groaned loudly and ran her hands over his head, knocking the wig off as she did. She had one leg up, her heel resting against the backseat, her white heeled sandals caught the light of the street lamps in the parking lot, her other foot on the floor alongside his leg. 

She tugged him back up, attacking his mouth as her hands ran down his back, the dress making his body a slim, smooth line. She reached his ass and squeezed before she began to tug on the dress, pulling it up until his rear was exposed. He was wearing a pair of her panties underneath, soft, black lace. She ran her fingers under the lace, feeling the warmth of his smooth white skin. 

Joker growled softly, pressing his groin down between her legs. He pressed his hand against the door, and arched his back to rub against her slowly. 

Harley groaned, arching up to meet his thrusts while squeezing his ass. She rubbed her hands down to the back of his thighs, getting a little thrill from feeling the belts of the garter against his legs. 

Joker dipped down, capturing her mouth again before he dragged his lips along her jaw to her throat. He bit her hard on the side of her neck, sucking hard enough that Harley eye’s rolled and she cried out, pressing her nails into his ass. 

Joker chuckled, working his way back down to her breasts, biting and sucking at her. He stayed balanced on the one arm and with the other he flipped her skirt up; his fingers caressed her stomach sliding back and forth. 

Harley shivered with pleasure, goosebumps racing over her skin. She squirmed when he slipped his long fingers under the band of her panties. He grinned watching her expression as his fingers slid across her clitoris, pressing down lightly, then a little harder. He began to rub slowly at the same time leaning down to lick her chin, then her lips. 

Harley’s eyes rolled back while her fingers wrapped around the belts of the garter pressed against his legs as her body began to rock against his touch. 

Joker chuckled low and deep. “That’s right pumpkin, come for Daddy.” 

Harley opened her eyes to look at him, panting with his touch. She arched as he continued to rub against her, but she slid one of her hands around from his ass to his front, following the line of the panties until she was caressing his stomach. 

Joker jerked slightly in delight, but his movement didn’t disturb his gentle, firm rubbing until Haley’s hand cupped and squeezed him. Joker’s eyes rolled for a moment, fluttering as he grunted at the pleasure of her touch. She squeezed gently then rubbed her hand up and down his hard length until she had him panting along with her. Joker started to move his hips while gazing down at her with a smile on his lips. 

Harley bit her bottom lip as the roiling burn of pleasure started to build until she couldn't hold it back. Her entire body arched as her climax burst over her, sending ripples all through her body. “Uh...Puddin!!” 

Joker snarled and jerked as she squeezed tight around him. Her hand felt so good wrapped around his member, but he wanted to fuck her more than anything, to bury himself in her, to be surrounded by her...plus he didn’t want to ruin his dress (it might be Harley's, but after tonight he figured it was his.) 

Joker pushed up on his knees, his heels clicked against the door and he pushed the panties down. For a moment he struggled with them (the car didn’t provide a lot of room for movement.) In frustration he simply ripped them, forcing his fingers through the lace and tore them loose. 

Harley giggled. She loved it when he was impatient. She pushed her own panties down her thighs with a little wiggle. Joker grabbed her leg that was on the back of the seat and helped her pull one of her legs out of the lacey fabric. 

Joker grinned. “There we go! Time to dock in port Harley…” 

Harley laughed. “What?!” 

He brought her leg up around his shoulder. He smiled brightly as he repeated. “Time to dock into port Harley.” 

Harley giggled, playfully smacking him. “I am not a port!” 

Joker leaned down and seductively murmured. “Toot, toot…” 

Harley giggled as he slid into her, both of them shared a moan of pleasure as their bodies connected. 

Joker wrapped his arm around her leg, pressing his cheek to her knee. “Uh...Harley.” 

He began his thrusts slow, but only for the first few, finding his rhythm and changing his position to move more easily in the back of the car. Once he had his legs placed comfortably, he started to thrust into her hard enough that the car began to squeak and bounced as Joker thrust hard and fast into her. 

Harley gasped loudly, slamming a hand over her head and against the window which had begun to fog up as she arched up to meet his thrusts. 

* 

Frost had just led Selina back to the parking lot when they heard the sounds of squeaking metal only to see the car bouncing up and down on its tires accompanied the the muffled shouts. 

”Oh Puddin yes!! Harder please! Uh Daddy harder!!” 

Which was quickly followed by a loud growl and… 

“Yeah..fuck me Harley...uh yeah…” 

Frost paled, glancing sideways at Selina. 

Selina giggled. “One more walk around the fountain then?” 

Frost put his arm out to her. Selina wrapped her arm in his shaking her head. Yeah, she was a little bit jealous. She doubted she would ever have sex in the back of the Batmobile...Bruce really needed to learn to loosen up a bit she thought. 

She glanced sideways at Joker’s right hand man. Poor guy; he had probably seen more of the Joker and Harley than any man alive. 

She continued to chuckle as they headed back into the dark park. 

* 

No sooner had Frost and Selina disappeared from sight into the park than Officer Bert Essen slowly drove his car into the Robinson Park parking lot to check for teenagers or twenty-somethings making out in cars. Every once in a while he would catch an older couple, but usually it was the younger ones who liked to fuck in their cars. 

He pulled into the parking lot with a grin. 

“Bingo!” he thought as he turned his police cruiser around in the parking lot, seeing a parked car and a motorcycle. He pulled into a space two cars down and stopped. He got out of his cruiser, unhooking his Maglight from his belt and pointing the cone of light toward the asphalt for a moment before Essen made his way over to the car. He frowned with a shake of his head; the car was making a squeaking noise as if someone were pouncing on the hood. As he approached, holding his flashlight ahead of him, he could see that the windows were a little foggy. Typical. 

As he stepped up beside the vehicle and shone his light inside, he caught the side of a slim figure in a black dress which was pulled up to her waist--nice ass he thought as Essen continued to look using the light to roam down the back of the figure in the car. Nice legs, he liked the garters and the boots. Too bad she wasn’t facing him Essen thought to himself. he up side about this part of his job was the occasional boob flash from a few teenage girls getting caught doing the deed with their partners. 

He smirked and used end of the flashlight to knock against the window. 

“Okay you two, you’re gonna need to move this to a hotel. This ain’t no place…” 

That was the moment that the young woman with the nice pale ass turned around. Instead of a pretty girl, Essen saw a pale face with green hair and a smile that haunted the nightmares of everyone in Gotham. It was a moment that would haunt Essen for the rest of his life, even after tonight when he turned in his resignation. 

The high pitched scream that burst from Essen was high enough that it was surprise when the windows of the car didn’t shatter.


End file.
